Wonder.....

I do believe that people live up to, or down to, what is expected of them, or (as has recently occured to me) what they believe is expected of them.


Communication is so crappy between humans, even those who communicate well go off the rails some times, and it is actually a miracle to me that information is shared as well as it is.


Of course, to me it goes back to that expectations thing. We are so much our socialization, our enculturalization, that even when presented with a radically different format, we can't recognise it as different - our expectations are too set.


Likely you have have heard, in late night paper finishing, article writing, report preparation, the phrase "we see what we expect to see" referring to someone often being unable to edit their own work because they know what it is supposed to say. (Not unlike the occasional typo or the like in this blog).


That is how I have come to see relationships between humans. Not just those ones referred to as "primary", but at some level or another, all of them.


We know that if you take a room full of kids and divide them into groups, then tell them one group is "smart", one is "average" and one is "slow", they will perform to order. Even when particularly assigned to the wrong group.


I have come to understand that people raised in families, whatever label put on the upbringing, expect that everyone else came from similar situations. So, simplistically, if you were raised in a stable, supportive, encouraging household, you expect that everyone else has had that same experience, at least until you are educated otherwise. Conversely, if you are raised in an unstable, abusive, non-supportive or similar household, you expect that situation for everyone else. And, even if educated otherwise, your early training has established habits which persist in your behaviors towards others.


So, that's a long way to get to expectations, but as I see it, if you are raised with expectations of success, you expect success, and if you aren't, you don't. It seems to be a difficult thing to change. I work with that principle with employees, and have seen people so caught in their history that compliments are seen as criticism, and affirmations of ability are seen as a setup. I have also seen the other side, people who are so accustomed to always being praised or complimented, but if they are corrected or criticised at all, it is taken as a devastating slam.

What do I want to be when I grow up??

I was just poking along, you know, totally overwhelmed by my life and obligations as usual, and posting positive, inspirational thoughts on my FB status. Then, my friend Jan posts "so, when are you going to ministerial school"?
She and I were in classes together several years ago, working our way through the steps of course work to qualify to apply to the Unity Ministerial School. And, she did. I didn't, because I had small people in my life and other obligations, etc., as usual.
But, she wasn't accepted. So, the next thing we are talking about is what that means, and probably there is another path that's a better alternative, and she goes and finds The New Seminary on line. And signs up!
She started as a correspondence student, after going to NY and interviewing, but sometime between September and January she experienced a big shift, and boom, she packed up or sold everything and moved to New York to become a "totally immersed seminarian". Now, if you look up their web site, she is one of the folks in their graduation pictures.
She is an incredibly talented musician, and composer and teacher - I forgot to mention that she was my voice coach for a while - and has made a place for herself in Connecticut.
She is doing what we dreamed of so many years ago.
Which caused me to reflect on a conversation I had with my sister-in-law's sister at a large family gathering, talking about being afraid to speak in public. I was relaying the story of another friend, Racquel, who taught Sunday school with me when our children were little. We were so afraid to speak in public that we would hold hands and shake in front of our own congregation doing announcements. We decided that we could not go on that way and took steps to get past it.
She and her husband also took Unity ministerial classes together with Jan and I.
She and her husband also applied to Unity School, and were accepted, but at the last minute decided not to go. However, she continued with her studies through a field program and is now a Unity minister and has started her second church.
In thinking about it I find I still want to be a full practicing minister. It is all well and good to be able to marry people, but I also want to have a center with study groups, discussion sessions, worship services and musical celebrations.
Oh my God, what does that mean? As usual, I get myself tangled in the steps - how to proceed.
What about all the things I have to get done in my current everyday world?
Fixing the house or letting it go? Finding the funding to do the fixing. Spending the weeks to clean it up either way, and getting Himself to agree to each individual step, up to and including having people in and around our house creating chaos and such. It even looks chaotic written down.
Talking the classes, committing to a course that will take at least two years to complete, but does not involve living in Kansas City at all.
Getting credentials that are recognised by most churches.
Finding a place, or having a home that has a place to start out. Holding courses, speaking where they'll have me, building a foundation.

I am toying with the idea as a five year plan. Starting now.....?

Heterosexuality and the Sanctity of Marrage

"—it's clear that straight people see heterosexual monogamy as highly dispensable. Straight people long ago gave up on "one of the great ideas of Western civilization," a.k.a. "one man, one woman, for life." And there are no signs that straight people want to return to the bad old days of impossible-to-dissolve marriages that frequently owed their longevity to the economic and legal enslavement of women. " Dan Savage reviewing Ross Douthat





I am often amazed at the surprise some people express when they find out how long Himself and I've been married. Really??, I thought that was the point. What about Mom and Dad and their 60+ years, that's amazing, but really only because they are both still here. They had every intention of staying the course, so they did.


It's work, it's about intention


But gay people don't understand and are going to screw it up? PHFFFT!!


Commitment is commitment.


Lot's of gay people I know are many, many years partnered, just as many as my straight acquaintances. And there are several in both camps who are single, willingly or not. I also have some hetero friends who are partnered but not married, for a variety of reasons.

I also know several people who are into what appears to be disposable relationships. They never commit, or over commit, or just plain aren't willing to stick when things get difficult. I don't hang out with them much.

Once upon a time a "friend" counseled me to move on from my husband because of his serious illness. They saw the relationship as not worth pursuing because there was too much work and it would cost too much. At the time he was not expected to live more than a couple of years, and was incredibly difficult to live with (he was really sick??), but I never considered leaving him as an option. That was over 25 years ago, and he's still here, the "friend" is long gone.

I was pretty mystified that my friend could think that was an appropriate approach, but that was before I met a couple who split because he wanted to date someone else (surprisingly, now I recognise a kind of chivalry that at least he waited until he told his wife and moved out) and another couple who split after she had been involved in several affairs -they evidently had different conceptions of the boundaries of their marriage.

We never had the traditional words at our marriage ceremony, the "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part", but I never thought that it wasn't implicit. Our intention has always been to stay together.

All that said, I have never felt threatened by same sex couples, and I really don't see how one could be. It's not like I'm worried some guy is going to steal my husband. They aren't his type, and I've seen what happens when women play up to him - he's a terrible flirt, but for the most part he's so oblivious he doesn't notice until it's pointed out.

Not threatened here.

Some Summer Fish and Chips Reviews

I think that, sometimes, fish and chips can be the perfect food. but, in order to justify the calories from being fried, it has to be above average. While we were on vacation I took notes, since the first thing my husband wants when we go to the ocean is F&C and I thought it might be interesting to compare what we discovered.
We started with a place recommended by the receptionist at the condo - Alec's by the Sea in Ocean Shores. That was a really good tip, not only was the fish part fresh halibut that had been filleted and breaded right before it was cooked, the fries were fresh made and really good. The fish breading was a very light, crisp tempura - we actually went back before leaving town to get more.
One day Himself really wanted to go somewhere special (??!!??) so we went to the restaurant at the Shilo Inn. there was really nothing I can say about the food, except for the salsa fresca, obviously made there, was delightful, the accompanying tortilla chips were simply awful, my fish taco was a disaster of fried chunks of tough, previously (and long time) frozen cod and a chipotle aioli was much like Miracle Whip with powdered chili added. Himself said his was the best clam chowder that he'd had in a long time, and he really needs to get out more, 'cause I thought it was a lot like bland paste. However, the hot, multi grain bread with it was yummy.
We also tried Mike's Seafood Co., which is a fish market with a restaurant in back. Their F&C was halibut with a light, crispy coating, and they had really good fries. I would go back there again.
So, just to validate the search and ground ourselves back at home, we went back to our favorite local place yesterday. I think the best local F&C are found at Tin Fish in Mukilteo. (Fortunately, they are only 10 minutes away.)They have such an extensive menu there is really something for everyone, but the F&C remains our dish of choice. Like everywhere, we share, and we also share an order of their chips and salsa. The chips are homemade and different enough to be special, and we always order extra salsa. The fish is coated with something like a crumb coating, light and crunchy. the fries are home made and taste like - - gasp - - potatoes!!
We may have to go somewhere else soon to try again.