dinner at a really nice restaurant and a sense of loss

Yep, linen, silver and all. We went out for Mom's 84th, which was actually the 19th, but this is when we could all get there. Dad set it up, of course, Mom did the reservations and calling us to be there, but he's feeling well enough to orchestrate.
It was really good to get together with my sibs and thier spouses and celebrate the survival of this past year. It has been a real roller coaster, and I am hereby declaring that 2011 is going to be a much better, less stressful year all around.
2010 came in with some issues, Dad became progressively more ill and ended up in the hospital several times. Mom was frightened and anxious. By May it was obvious that surgery was Dad's only option, and he had investigated the alternatives, so he had an aortic valve replacement in June.
While doing most of the support care taking, because they live closest, my brother and his wife also had to deal with her Dad's decline and eventual death to cancer.
By September Dad was failing again and the determination was made that the stitches weren't holding and the leakage was causing the red blood cells to be sheared, and he was also extremely anemic. Two days before Thanksgiving he went back into surgery for the "full meal deal", a complete medial sternotomy, cracked chest/ ribs spread/ open heart. It was tough, there were problems during surgery and he was on the heart-lung machine a long time, including having to restart it when they discovered a leak before closing and they had to go back and see if they could find it. Evidently most of the leak was sealed, although the surgeon told me he couldn't see it, there was no loss into the cavity but he put in stitches where it showed on the ultra sound.
Now, he's organizing dinners for Mom. And, he gave her a wonderful toast - apologizing for losing his composure, but a great tribute to all of her support and effort over the year.
It was a really great evening, except Himself didn't feel well enough to go, but I was happy to be with my family, and am blessed with a BIL and SIL who are superb people. And reminded again that it is very special and unique to have parents who have been married for 61+years and still love each other.

The sense of loss stuff is a totally different issue, changes. Two weeks ago my director went on administrative leave pending investigations of performance issues; and, my local pharmacist and grocery told us they are closing, where we've done business for 26 years; then, last weekend my minister announced she is retiring. Honestly, I really don't want to deal with changes like this, at least it's 3 and so that should be done with, if you believe my Scottish grandmother.
I just want a calm year, with good health, happiness and employment for all.

On Speaking in Public

Or, something like that. And, I volunteered!!
Seriously, I've wanted to participate in the Sunday Celebration at Youth Team Conference for YEARS!! I actually thought I'd have to wait until I retire and have time to serve on the regional planning team to be able to do so.
Surprisingly, the call was made Saturday, the celebration is being reconfigured a little and who would like to represent the YOU group? I thought about it over lunch for a few minutes, Diane said I should go for it, but I had that inadequacy quiver in my stomach and the "What on earth would I say?" ricocheting around in my head. So I thought, maybe next time. Then, when the question was asked and my hand went up - even I was surprised.
First, the format is kind of like the table talk segment of Toastmasters - the wonderful Mark, our amazing musician, takes 5 of his songs and places them face down on the floor. Then, someone from the group comes up and picks one up and hands it to Mark, who reads off the title and the speaker who is moved to speak on it gets up and has 3 minutes to deliver their message.
I went first, not necessarily because I wanted to get into "Love My Enemies", I thought it would go well to get it done and not sit and worry, and I knew youngest child was going to speak also and she wanted to go last.
It wasn't too bad, I managed to get the topic in at least once, and also got in the 2 stories I really wanted to share, and only pushed the time a little.
since those folk are my peers in something that is critically important for me, it was a great step, and I really felt OK with it. Sure, I could have done this or that a little better, but it worked and I liked what I said and, for the most part, the way I delivered it.
I wonder what will come next???

Healing Your Brain

In "Heal Your Brain, Heal Your Body" Dr. Amen shows us scans of brains, healthy, alzheimers, smokers, drinkers, meth users, heroin users, etc. He prescribes what it takes to have a healthy brain, and therefore a healthy body. Eat good food, don't drink, don't smoke, limit coffee to 2 cups each day, exercise - wait, isn't that the same thing we have heard everywhere?
Of course, we all want to have the healthy version, but how many of us are willing to do what it takes to get it and keep it that way?
Personally, I like coffee, and drink, now, about two cups a day. Sometimes I drink more, but I have realized, just this year, that if I over indulge I don't sleep.
Oh, and getting enough sleep, that was another big prescription. I would love to get 8 hours sleep, he says 71/2 is the minimum, I usually mange 6 1/2 to 7. I can personally attest that sleep deprivation is not only aging but truly makes you crazy. There were a few years when I had either a child with night terrors - oh yeah, WEEKS with 2-3 hours of sleep each night, or a husband with apnea who snored and Snored and SNORED. I couldn't make decisions, balance my check book, one day I couldn't remember how to sign my name and then I started to have panic attacks - it was amazing to find out that a week away from home with "regular" sleep changed my whole world view - I actually had one.
What would it look like if we all structured our lives to the healthy brain lifestyle? Not only would we individually be healthier, I think our whole society would be improved. When we are healthy and operating from a place of wholeness we have enhanced reaction time and fully functioning thought processors. Our analytical abilities and our capacity for tolerance are stepped up, critical thinking abilities are fully functional. Our ability to care about the situations of others is free to operate.
Imagine a world full of considerate, thoughtful, insightful, tolerant people interacting with each other.

Catch-up Time

It's been a long time since I sat down with a few minutes to add to this journal. Many, many things have been happening and it has worn me down somewhat. As therapeutic as it is to write, sometimes it's such an effort.
Last week I was too sick to work 4 of the 5 days, well really all 5, but I went in Monday and even though I felt really bad, I was driving the car pool. I haven't spent that much sick leave on myself in years. Even when I had surgery a couple of years ago I missed only 2 work days.
It was weird to be sick, I don't really know how :-) , it started as a cold over a month ago and seemed to be all gone except for the blasted cough, then came roaring back right into bronchial pneumonia. I just felt too crappy to do the usual things I do and wasn't willing to make the effort to go out to get groceries or anything. Also, antibiotics are a trip, they seem to have all sorts of effects on me besides the killing bad bugs part, and mostly put me to sleep. In any event, it looks as though I'm back to the care-taker role as Himself seems to have fallen to the cold/flu that I started with.
Current situation:
Greatly encouraged by national news and the improving condition of Rep. Gifford.
Dismayed by things taking place at work, going back tomorrow to see if I can help prop up some edges.
Happy that things seem to be going so well for Dad, he seems to be steadily recovering more and more of his "regular" routine. Calling later to see how Mom is doing since she to a fall, over his new treadmill, and didn't break anything, but is pretty bruised. It's been very difficult not being able to go see them again.
Still worried about youngest child, there doesn't seem to be any break in her horizon as far as a job goes, and all this news stuff about mental health upsets her no end.
Oldest child is apparently coping, having regular employment, even low end, is very beneficial and his temp job keeps being extended.
I am looking forward to going away next weekend with fellow youth group leaders, it's always a restorative thing to hang out with my friends and compare notes about working with teens. Mark Stanton Welch's wonderful music is a bonus.
There are a few times I would have posted rants here if I'd been home or able to do so from my phone. I have found it gives me a better perspective on my own foibles to write them out. I'll try to remember them long enough to record them articulately.